It is difficult to know what is right in all cases. - M.B., I.210.29

Decrypting❦Love

While love-at-first-sight is nothing more than falling in love with a face, which is thoroughly trivial, falling in love with a brain is no big deal either. Except those of us, who are intrinsically celibate and therefore should be left alone to live life their way, rather than being forced upon by the society to revere the current school of customs and pushed into marriage, the remaining of us have an innate image of our ideal life-partner. It is this image which serves as a checklist for a man when he looks towards women and likewise for a woman when she looks towards men.

However, to be fair, when the secondary takes over the primary, when we care more about face or brain over the fundamental features, then it is not unnatural to discover the urges diverting towards the same sex.

Love is not an accident, no matter how much it seems like it. It is a slow process, phase 'first' of which is, however, rapid but pseudo-spontaneous nonetheless. When we experience love-at-first-sight, we have already projected the image of our ideal partner on the owner of that beautiful face, much like the wooden tray with cavities of various shapes, the kids play with.

Love lies more in the lover and less in the object of love. The lover is attracted not so much to the object of love as much to the image he projects on the object. He assumes, in good hope that the object possesses all the features and qualities he looks for in his partner. Thick spit of such projection blended with the intense amateurish passion creates a veil he cannot penetrate initially. Break-ups happen when these veils can no longer hold the real mismated person behind. What we complaint for as a change in behavior is, actually, the discovery of it.


We fall in love again and again with people around us, thus ridiculing the idea of ‘the-one’ and conveniently placing the ‘perfect someone’ from ‘somewhere in the world’, next door. Or next desk in the classroom. It is natural for a boy and a girl to grow on each other when brought together for a substantial amount of time. Compatibility is a process and not something predestinated.

Bhagavad Gita states the reason for attachment accurately. 
"When a man dwells, in his mind, on the objects of sense, attachment to them is produced. From attachment springs desire and from desire comes anger."  
-Chapter 2. Verse 62. 

The last words of the verse are better understood with the meaning that on the fulfillment of the desire, one experience happiness while, in other case, one goes through anger. When a man allows himself to think about a woman, he gets attached to her. This attachment then spawns desires; desires for her. When one is desperate to fall in love, to feel the butterflies in the stomach, his views on beauty changes swiftly to ‘whatever that’s available is beautiful’. At such points, even the most ordinary and unremarkable woman, lacking both a beautiful face and a beautiful mind, can make him submit to her, if he allows himself to think about her and consequently desire her. He, in his mind, goes from romance to wedding to parenthood to old-age in a matter of minutes before even he let her know that he has begun to like her. Such restlessness is seldom, love.


Strong friendship is often, and incorrectly, mistaken for love. Very few of us can do without friends. We need friends to escape boredom and share our thoughts and ideas with particulary unique brazenness. Friendship, in itself, is not love. While friendship aims at an asexual comradeship, love is far more than sexual ease or comradery. Love is when the sea of innate instinct of sex passes through the channels of tender emotions, rather than flow like a wild violent torrent which sweeps away all emotions and leaves behind only the stench of rubbed flesh.

There are few people who have so much goodness in them that they are ‘universally compatible’ for a relationship with anyone. They are the perfect lover, the perfect spouse, endowed with a beautiful body and a beautiful mind. Naturally, they become the other end of many one-sided love affairs, unbeknownst. In such one-sided love affairs what the lover mistakes for their (his & hers) mutual compatibility is, in actuality, others’ exclusive simpatico. 

Although it is not, in the least, incorrect to look for a partner amongst one’s friends, all the same it is not advisable to do so without practicing some discreetness, or one or both of them get hurt. Finding love is by no way easy. It is not every day that the world spectates two lovers so absolutely made for each other, not by some divine fore-ordination but by a ‘mutual’ fellow-feeling, that they live forever in books, minds and hearts.


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